Every night for the past week, as soon as B gets home and starts talking, H begins her tumble routine! She moves and wiggles and punches so much! It's hilarious! Meanwhile, I talk all day long and she never moves! haha :)
I can't wait to see Brian as a Dad. I think he's going to be so awesome and know just what to do. She will be one lucky little girl!
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I've heard of Mommy Guilt; but have you also heard of Pregnancy Guilt or am I making this up?
I feel like I possibly had this in the beginning when I was super sick and now I think it's definitely coming back!
I hate having to say 'no' to lots of stuff, especially including stuff with my friends. In the beginning when I was so sick, I tried to trudge through it and go to as much as I could because I was afraid no one would understand and would be upset I wasn't going out with them, coming to stuff, etc. Now, it's back! I feel like weekly appointments and being tired from work are taking over my life and my weekends become overly packed and honestly, I just can't be on the go as much seeing as though I'm almost 9 months preggo! But that still doesn't stop me from feeling guilty or trying to fit it all in. We are busy people and usually we love being busy and having lots planned. I'm afraid my friends {at least the ones who haven't been pregnant yet or the ones who had pretty good pregnancies} won't understand or will think I'm making it up. Crazy, right? I mean, when I type it, it sounds crazy and it sounds like I care a little too much; but it's really the way I feel!
Has anyone else felt like this?
I also feel like I'm already getting nervous about having Mommy Guilt; or maybe Friend Guilt? Believe me, I realize how crazy I am. My friend Mary (team-teacher) always tells me I over-think or care way too much. And although I agree, I wish I knew how to change it! My friends love to plan things ahead to see one another at least once a month ~ but as I start thinking into Sept, Oct, Nov, etc. I'm getting so nervous. Will I be able to attend around H's feedings? It's not even about leaving little H behind, I'm just worried about the whole feeding schedule if I hope to be consistent with BF. I'm worried my friends will think I'm just overwhelmed with myself and not them; I'm worried that people won't understand the reasons why I can't make things; I'm worried that although I know our life will change, that my relationships with friends will change, too.
Does this mean my Mommy Guilt will be horrible in a few months once I go back to work?! Because I'm already dreading this too. I have such a want to stay at home with my child but at this point in our lives it's just not feasible. I truly and honestly {sorry if this upsets anyone} feel a jealousy with SAHM's. There are so many things I could see myself doing and helping with if I just had more time. There are about 4 things I'd love to be more involved in with our church, but I have no idea how I'd make that work with the hours I work at school and then having a new baby that I will want to spend all my time with when I'm not at work. I hate feeling like that because I know being a teacher, I get the best times off with my child, much better than jobs that you have to work year-round. I also know that I am blessed to even have a job, I know. But, I swore when I began my blog years ago I'd be honest, and so, I'm being honest. My heart aches to know that I will have to go back to work and not stay home. I truly do love my students and it's not them that makes me want to stay at home, but it's just the added stress that maybe, possibly, comes with where I am, but I am so nervous I won't be able to handle it. I'm so nervous I will feel this "you aren't being as good of a mother as someone else because you aren't staying home" thing either. So yes, friends, we are already praying about me going back to work when I haven't even taken my leave. :)
See, I told you a long time ago I was crazy. ;) Just reiterating it in this post...
Blah! So, now I'm going to scroll back up to the top of this post and look at my wonderful hubby with my little baby belly while he's rubbing my ENORMO feet because we couldn't say no to something that we wanted to do and it's 9:40 and I'm just finishing my post I started 2 days ago! :)
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I love this honest post! I have had many of these same feelings at one time or another. You have to trust that everything will work out like it is supposed to. It always does:) You and little Miss will get into a nice routine that will fit your lifestyle!
ReplyDeleteIt will all work out, I felt the same way and still do sometimes. A momma needs her time though. Good friends will stick through with you and they understand I promise!!!
ReplyDeleteMegan, I felt all of those exact same ways and now with number two I think the guilt and fear is just even greater! I worry all the time about handling work and school, and I don't even think I am in nearly as stressful a situation as you. I will tell you that the school days fly by, and as many years as you have been teaching you will amaze yourself at what you can get done during your planning so that you can hit the door at 3:30 or earlier everyday! And it sounds like Harper might be right around the corner, so what a blessing! No one can tell you how its going to feel for you and really it doesn't help to hear that it will, 'get easier.' But once you are holding you baby and you and Brian have truly become that little family of 3, its amazing how all those feelings of guilt and perspective just call right into place. I'll be thinking about you these next COUPLE of week! You are so close!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being honest with yourself! And honestly, it's stressful to have that baby at first, but you will find a balance and your 'new normal.' It may mean you will have to let some things go, which is good. Your friendships may change just a bit, but you'll find that's ok too. It's just a big transition in your life and soon it will be weird to think that you lived this whole life without sweet Harper. I can't even remember what I did with my time before the girls. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeletethank you all so much for your sincere comments. I appreciate them so much. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know I have tried to leave comments and my laptop has not been allowing it??? I don't like using this phone keypad, but decided to give it a try! Read what I could of your post on mommy guilt. All kinds of doubts, concerns ate normal. Hmmm, trying to think and type....I guess I sm thinking mostly, don't look too deep. Try to take it one step at a time. You have to be "up" in spirit everyday. Draining....it's only right to take care oh Megan. That is taking care of H. Your real friends will love you no matter what. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteThree errors and I hate typos;). Sorry. Fingers too big for this pad!! Ha that's my excuse.
ReplyDelete