Out of my friends group I most definitely am not at the high end of the spectrum. We probably have one of the smallest homes, less nice cars, and go on way less vacations than my friends. Neither of our jobs really allow us to 'move up' very far or have dreams of making lots of money to let me stay home or put our kids in private schools. And sometimes that gets to me. Honestly. We have more than a lot of people,I know, just maybe not in my circle of friends. But last week when we were on our date night at the UK game, Brian and I had one of the most real conversations we've had in a while.
He asked me what I wanted from him for Christmas, and I about broke down and cried right there in the busy Civic Center. I told him, never in my life, have I felt so content as I do right now.
When I was single, I wanted to be married or dating someone so badly. When I was living in my apartment, I wanted to have a home. Once we were dating, I wanted to be engaged. Engagement turned into to just wanting to be married. My parents have always told me to just slow down and appreciate the now (since I was younger) but I just always had this feeling of wanting things to hurry up or wanting something someone else had. Wishing I could have a nice home like them or take better trips, etc.
And although I love my husband more than anything and I love my family more than anything, nothing made me feel totally content until now. This is definitely not to say that you have to have a kid to feel content. Because believe me, I never thought it would make me feel this way. Ever. I'm just not usually like that. But something inside me just finally feels like everything is ok. Great even.
So when Brian asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him that for the first time in my life, I feel totally content with life. I'm truly happy for all that my friends have because I am happy with the life I have. Its hard to explain that type of feeling, because I've never felt that way before. I just feel happy and content. I'm not wishing for anything or wishing for something else. I'm just living in the moment and appreciating every day more than I ever have. I appreciate family and friends who make the effort to come see Harper and me. I appreciate the moments I have with Harper by ourselves and the times we have with Brian as a family. Going out to eat or staying in and doing bathtime is some of the joyous times I look forward to. I just appreciate and am happy where I am and what I have. There was more to the conversation, but I'll keep the rest to us. :)
I'm just glad God didn't give up on me and that I, too, appreciate Him more than I ever have as well. It's a strange feeling for me to just feel so ok with everything. Not want or wish I had what someone else has. But I think it's part of my whole personality change that is happening within me right now. I wish that I could say that I am content just with what God has and has not given me. Maybe Harper is His way of helping me find contentment? I don't know. I hate to say that 'another person' makes me feel content other than God. But, I'm feeling that way. Does that make me a bad person? I'm not sure what to make of it...
Harper will probably never know how she's making her Momma into a stronger and better person...
So, my favorite place, is at home...usually in the rocking chair in Harper's room, looking around while singing Jesus Love Me to her.