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It's Thursday now, and I sat down to write this post through the week, starting with Monday. I had to quit though, because I couldn't see through my tears once Harper was asleep.
I've been mentally jotting down things this week about how pretty much horrible it's been. How I've cried more than I thought I could. How I've seen Brian and I both hurting.
But, today, I feel peace.
Today I feel such a peace. My heart is peaceful. My swollen face is going down. I only cried a bit this morning.
So, instead of telling you the obvious, the part where pretty much every mother goes through when her maternity leave is up, I'm going to focus on the positive things from this week.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude today. I feel like God has been holding me up each day this week. I saw the sun today and felt good inside. My baby is so precious to me, and I think I've found a sitter who understands that. You can tell she loves her few kids she keeps. And I can tell she just loves Harper already. God has overly blessed me. Harper is SUCH a good baby. She's been amazing at the transition this week. She's been happy and sweet. When I'm at work, I've felt each day get better, and honestly, I've enjoyed being back in the classroom. I NEVER thought I'd say that after 3 whole months home with Harper. But I have enjoyed teaching, planning, and being with the kids. I praise God for that. I praise Him for reminding me that I'm good at my job and that my j-o-b is my career and I'm there for a reason. I also praise Him for putting the friends at work in my life. The warmth and support I've felt this week at work is amazing. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has meant to me to have emails and visits from teachers that I don't even get to work with stop in and check on me. One teacher has come in my room each day and offered to grade papers so that I can leave right at 3. My close friends at work have brought me cokes and breakfast this week. And my teammate. Oh, my. I am beyond blessed to have her with me right now. I'm truly honest when I say that without her I probably would not have gotten through day 1. She's been there. She knows. She's hugged me, checked on me, and given me so very much support. I know, I am lucky. I'm lucky that my "secret pal" at work has been giving me the exact strength through Bible verses that I've needed. He has no idea how many times I've read and re-read those lines. I'm thankful my friends have texted and called to check on me. The ones who've been through it and the ones that haven't; they've still supported me. I'm thankful for my husband. I'm thankful he understands that Harper and I have a different bond, and as crazy as I've felt this week, he's told me it's ok.
I've been praying for many months now; before Harper even arrived, that God would let me feel it was okay to not stay at home. It's been very difficult. I've always wanted to be a SAHM. And although my husband and I haven't made the final decision of what is right for our family in terms of me working, I'm thankful I feel a much better peace about being away right now and that in my career I get more time off than a lot of jobs do.
A few specific things I'd like to pray on are:
*to not feel like I'm an inadequate mother if I need to continue working
*to have strength and be content even when other women make me feel badly about not staying home
*to be able to give my students 100% of me while I'm at work
*to keep Faith that I am still a good Mom and giving Harper the love and attention she deserves
So while I know each day will be so hard, and I know it will never be easy, I'm hoping to just make it each day and do the best I can while I'm at work and remember what really matters in life.
I took off Friday to go to an appointment. I think I really needed this day after 3 straight months with Harper, and being away from her more than I've ever been in her little life. The thing I've missed the most is our morning time when she's quite possibly the sweetest ever. So I'm relishing in today... and remembering how lucky I am to get the time off I will have with Harper. I may not be financially rich with this job, but the time I'm able to have makes me feel rich inside.
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I am loving that you are focusing on the positive! I was sooo not like that when I returned. I prayed (and asked everyone I knew to pray) for me to have a sense of peace over the situation and I feel like I finally have that. It's still not easy, but I'm so thankful that it's not as "raw" as it was. Harper will get have friends early on and learn things from the other kids that nobody else will be able to teach her. I know every baby is different, but I thought I wouldn't be Gracie's favorite since I was working, but that girl is majorly attached to her momma, and I'm sure Harper will be the same. You nailed it when you said that the two of you have a different bond. She won't forget that =)
ReplyDeleteoh megan! this post made me tear up! I know it is so hard for you to go back to work-- i am just going back part-time and I am already dreading it... but by working you are doing what is best for your family. It is in no way a reflection on your parenting skills or your love for your daughter. Working is just another way you will be able to provide for her. I hope it gets easier! thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! It does get better and better. I too pray that you won't feel guilty about working. It is truly a blessing to be able to do both! And think of what a wonderful example you are to your daughter (not that you wouldn't be if you were a SAHM).
ReplyDeleteYou will find yourself in a new routine before long, and it won't be bad!
i think it's horrible that people make you feel bad about your decision to go back to work. It is absolutely YOUR family's decision, and no one else's. I wholeheartedly believe that having a family and having a career are both important, and (as long as you have a great support system, which you do!) I know you can make that balance work. I think people forget that it isn't 1950 anymore, and not everyone wants/ needs/ is financially able to stay home. I know you'll be able to figure things out--sounds like your co-workers are AMAZING! :)
ReplyDeleteLove you! I think we make the best team ever... :)
ReplyDeleteI know that it is hard; although I am not a mom yet, I will have to be a working mom also. I just know that my mom worked the whole time I was growing up and still today, and it didn't make her a bad mom, it really made us all stronger as a family and I admire her and cherish the time that we do get together everyday! Her working makes me appreciate everything that much more! Hopefully someday Harper will look at you and feel the same way! :)
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you and praying for you in the weeks to come! You're a wonderful mommy, no matter what anyone says...I can tell that just from reading your blog!! :)
ReplyDeleteI love you!!! You are such a sweet mom and an amazing teacher. Those kids so lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteWish I was there to give you a hug and kiss that sweet baby.
Just when I thought I saw the cutest pic ever of her, you go and post one thats even cuter!! She is so precious.
Thinking about you! You have the BEST attitude you can...continue to take some days off to spend with your precious one. I promise it does get easier! Much Love Friend!
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