Monday was rough. But I made it.
It's Thursday now, and I sat down to write this post through the week, starting with Monday. I had to quit though, because I couldn't see through my tears once Harper was asleep.
I've been mentally jotting down things this week about how pretty much horrible it's been. How I've cried more than I thought I could. How I've seen Brian and I both hurting.
But, today, I feel peace.
Today I feel such a peace. My heart is peaceful. My swollen face is going down. I only cried a bit this morning.
So, instead of telling you the obvious, the part where pretty much every mother goes through when her maternity leave is up, I'm going to focus on the positive things from this week.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude today. I feel like God has been holding me up each day this week. I saw the sun today and felt good inside. My baby is so precious to me, and I think I've found a sitter who understands that. You can tell she loves her few kids she keeps. And I can tell she just loves Harper already. God has overly blessed me. Harper is SUCH a good baby. She's been amazing at the transition this week. She's been happy and sweet. When I'm at work, I've felt each day get better, and honestly, I've enjoyed being back in the classroom. I NEVER thought I'd say that after 3 whole months home with Harper. But I have enjoyed teaching, planning, and being with the kids. I praise God for that. I praise Him for reminding me that I'm good at my job and that my j-o-b is my career and I'm there for a reason. I also praise Him for putting the friends at work in my life. The warmth and support I've felt this week at work is amazing. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has meant to me to have emails and visits from teachers that I don't even get to work with stop in and check on me. One teacher has come in my room each day and offered to grade papers so that I can leave right at 3. My close friends at work have brought me cokes and breakfast this week. And my teammate. Oh, my. I am beyond blessed to have her with me right now. I'm truly honest when I say that without her I probably would not have gotten through day 1. She's been there. She knows. She's hugged me, checked on me, and given me so very much support. I know, I am lucky. I'm lucky that my "secret pal" at work has been giving me the exact strength through Bible verses that I've needed. He has no idea how many times I've read and re-read those lines. I'm thankful my friends have texted and called to check on me. The ones who've been through it and the ones that haven't; they've still supported me. I'm thankful for my husband. I'm thankful he understands that Harper and I have a different bond, and as crazy as I've felt this week, he's told me it's ok.
I've been praying for many months now; before Harper even arrived, that God would let me feel it was okay to not stay at home. It's been very difficult. I've always wanted to be a SAHM. And although my husband and I haven't made the final decision of what is right for our family in terms of me working, I'm thankful I feel a much better peace about being away right now and that in my career I get more time off than a lot of jobs do.
A few specific things I'd like to pray on are:
*to not feel like I'm an inadequate mother if I need to continue working
*to have strength and be content even when other women make me feel badly about not staying home
*to be able to give my students 100% of me while I'm at work
*to keep Faith that I am still a good Mom and giving Harper the love and attention she deserves
So while I know each day will be so hard, and I know it will never be easy, I'm hoping to just make it each day and do the best I can while I'm at work and remember what really matters in life.
I took off Friday to go to an appointment. I think I really needed this day after 3 straight months with Harper, and being away from her more than I've ever been in her little life. The thing I've missed the most is our morning time when she's quite possibly the sweetest ever. So I'm relishing in today... and remembering how lucky I am to get the time off I will have with Harper. I may not be financially rich with this job, but the time I'm able to have makes me feel rich inside.