I'm Nervous and Conflicted.

Really, this is a post for me. Could be boring - may not want to read.


I'm so conflicted at the moment with my feelings.  I have so many emotions running around my head, I am not sure how to really feel with the school year just around the corner.

1.  I am excited and looking forward to going back to school.  Not exactly to go back to 'working', but get back in the classroom.  It's been a really, really rough road in our school for quite a few years.  And last year? Basically, it was to just survive.  But this coming year, we have new hope.  New hope that I think is going to work.  We have a new leader who is one that I've already been impressed with and one who seems to be a real Christian.  One who sees this as our careers, but also sees that we have families, too.

I love teaching.  I really do.  But I think the excessive negativity and frustration throughout the past years had built so deep that I forgot that.  And when I had Harper, I really didn't think I could do it.

But now this summer I've been able to really reflect and getting to know our new leader has helped as well.  Hubby and I have had major, real conversations about this.

*My ultimate goal in my teaching career was to teach at a private Christian school.
That is not my goal anymore. My goal is to continue doing my best in a public school system.  Hopefully, be a light to children who need me and maybe some adults.  I WANT Harper in the public school system.  I want her to be around kids who have more than her.  I want Harper to help be the light to other children.

So now, my goal is to continue teaching in the public school system for now.  I can't tell you where I will be in a few years.  I've learned to not try and plan too far in advance :), but I know that I am so so so excited for this school year.  I'm excited to be a 'school Mom' to 24 different personalities.  I'm excited to be the teacher I know will make myself proud and one that I hope Harper will get the joy of having when it's her turn to go to school.  I'm actually really excited for my 8th year of teaching - something I don't think I've been able to truly say in a few years...

2.  I love Harper. I love the days, the times, the moments we've shared this summer.  I've been so lucky to witness so much.  I've been able to see Harper's personality grow.  We've grown so close together.  She has the best disposition ever.  SO happy all the time.  So sweet and easy going.  Such a joy.  I'm afraid she won't stay that way when I go back to work.  I don't know why I think this.  She'll be at the same home sitter she was at last year.  They love her so much - it's so easy to see.  But there will be new kids there this time around.  Two babies who are younger than Harper.  I'm worried that the babies will get the attention Harper once got from MeMe. I'm worried that Harper is now at the age to understand I'm not with her and that she will be upset.  I'm worried that she will be bored or sad during the day and I won't know.

I'm worried to be without her all day.

But on the other hand, I want to utilize my teaching side, too.

We've already been back to work a lot.  I've already missed a lot of time with Harper due to PD's, getting my room ready, home visits, etc.  While I'm away, I miss her. But I feel peace about it.  I get to continue teaming with Mary, and our whole team is excellent this year.  As of now, it feels that everyone is going to do their part and help each other out.  That helps so much.  It helps knowing I have 2 other teacher-Moms on my team who relate to what I'm going through and can help put things in perspective.  So, I've enjoyed working so far.

But then I feel a little guilty about that.

So what makes a good Mom? I think that's what I struggle with.  Of course, you are a good Mom when you make choices that will better your family.  But am I being a good Mom to go back to work?  Would I be a better Mom if I just stayed home? But then if I stayed home we wouldn't be able to save for Harper's future and wouldn't get to give Harper as many opportunities as she could have.  And maybe I would miss using my teacher side.  There's my struggle.  I think this is probably a struggle that will be a forever-struggle for many Moms.  And I'm just at the beginning.

So, my confusion lies here: I am excited for the school year.  But saying that makes me feel like a bad Mom. I don't want to leave Harper.  Honestly, our days are so easy and fun.  So much less stress than working.  {and couldn't you just punch the people who tell you you are getting a 'break' when you go to work. HA!} But I am happy about getting back in the classroom.

Agh! So confusing!