Marriage is Hard{er} With A Kid

There. I said it. I've had this post swarming around in my head but I haven't wanted to post it. For fear of disapproving nods or my thoughts being perceived as something they are not, or for negative comments.
{Warning: Honest Post :) therefore won't be posting to FB}

So if you're in a judging mood, please do not continue to read.

First off, my husband is amazing. He is truly a gift to me. I have never claimed to be an 'easy' girl. I'm half crazy most of the time. He does a lot and puts up with a lot, and I love him. A lot.

But, relationships are work. If someone tells you they aren't, they are lying and probably don't have too good of a relationship/marriage. There. I said it. :)

Obviously, we haven't been married for very many years, but during our first part of marriage it has been pretty easy. We transitioned wonderfully into living together after our wedding. We didn't have any arguments on money, time spent, chores, etc. We pretty much knew where we each stood on hot topics before going into marriage, so things had been pretty smooth!

And then we had Harper. :)  We were lucky enough to have a very positive 'trying to conceive' amount of time.  Of course the old saying that 'a baby fixes everything' is silly. Duh. Who thinks that? But I had no idea. Yes, yes, yes, a baby brings you and your husband very close. Throughout my pregnancy there were many things and instances that only he and I know about - and that's something that we hold dear. The entire birth process {albeit not the greatest experience for me!!} it was just me and him in the room.  There are times we both shake our heads when looking, thinking, or talking about Harper that we just cannot believe we are given the opportunity to have her as our child.

But then that isn't part of my point in this post.

Harper was a colic baby. So she didn't fit the mold of what the books say. We had to do a lot of figuring out on our own so to speak and that was very hard and very terrifying for first time parents.  We were up all through the nights and days because Harper never did {and still doesn't} require as much sleep as one would think a baby or newborn would. Still, at 5 months old, Harper doesn't sleep through the night. So, she gets up on a good night 2-3 times.  We both work. We both hold day jobs that require our full attention and doesn't leave much room for mistakes {me with kids depending on me, him with people relying on money moves}.  So we are exhausted. All the time.

So, sometimes, I let my exhaustion get the best of me. For instance, the chores of the house used to be left all up to me. I didn't mind and I said that was my wifely duty. But I just can't now. I don't have the same time or the same energy as before Harper. I need help. But, you know, boys don't see clean or doing things in a certain time frame as a big deal. 
Sometimes on Brian's turn to get up during the night, Harper will have a good night and only get up once. Man, that makes me so mad! But I turn that into being mad at him. So silly, right? But I do. I think to myself, he only had to get up once...i had to get up 3 times last night... That isn't fair to him.  When dishes are out or wrappers left around the house, I get upset when I find myself picking it up.

I also feel like I put a lot of my energy into Harper. Which I should, of course, but sometimes Brian gets left to the side. We've talked about this and how we both are to blame. We are just so exhausted from working all day and then not sleeping well for so long, we are ready for bed when we put Harper down and usually, we really do go to bed at 8:30! I know, so sad.  And then there's that fear that I have about leaving her still. I don't really want to do things without her. Well, let me rephrase. I do want to, but not enough to actually do it.  We were SO good at weekly date nights when I was on maternity leave. I loved that time I had with Brian and a little bit of a break from my Mommy role. But since I've been back to work, it's hard for me to justify being away from Harper for 40+ hours a week and then choosing to be away from her even more. I know, I'm crazy. Refer to the statement at the beginning of this blog... I know {or at least people say} that it will get easier to leave. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't.

And yes, yes, yes I KNOW that the key to giving Harper a wonderful and happy life depends greatly on Brian and I having a good, healthy, and strong marriage. But, once you are in the midst, it is much harder to do than to say.

.... So then I read this blog post. It came from The Better Mom. It's the only email I get sent to my work account. I get it sent there because I just feel like each day with each post is something that hits home and that I need to take the time to read it. I read it and instantly emailed Brian. I told him I was sorry for doing the chores and home duties in spite instead of joy. {i think he thought i was a tad crazy. normal.} Now, please do not think that my husband never helps. He does a ton. But you know, when you are tired and you see a million things that need to be done, but see one person sitting on the couch - that's when I get upset. But I know he doesn't think of doing those things. And I need to stop.  Sometimes, I think I need to be more like Mary and less like Martha. I've always thought of that Bible story and wondered what all the fuss was about. I mean, who wouldn't want their house to be nice and a nice home-cooked meal made for JESUS for goodness sakes. But, I guess, I'm finally realizing the point. I need to put my energy into people that matter, not things.

So, the point is, I'm going to try harder at working towards finding the joy in daily activities, realizing that I cannot place blame or get upset over such silly things. Of course, it is silly when you truly think about it; but when you are in the moment and you are exhausted with a little precious, adorably happy baby {if you've been there, you might know} its a major struggle, at least for me.

I'll be working hard at making a conscience effort.

our first summer together...

My husband means more to me than I think he knows. When we do have our alone time {date nights} together, it is SUCH a refresher for us. We really need that. Weekly or bi-weekly, we need to get back to that. It's so amazing how one little hour date can truly help us feel closer.


What are ways you Momma's keep the love alive?




{Also, this is a pretty neat site - Marriage Missions. I like this article for new parents. :)}